Marriages >> Building Healthy Relationship

If you are building up the Relationship with someone

• First try to achieve your aims by staying focused. Try to be self reliant.
• When you try to make friendship, discreetly verify his or her background. Else you might regret later.
• Show respect to your friend
• Be honest and frank.
• Always remember that growing friendship means not getting sexually involved.
• Don’t mistake raging hormones for love. They are two entirely different things.
• Talk with your parents and well wishers before you begin friendship.
• Out of respect for your parents and yourself, you should always let them know: where you are going, a phone number where you can be reached, who you are going out with and when you will return.
• Make it a point to be home by before night.
• If you run into trouble and you are going to be late, call and let both sets of parents know.
• Avoid risky situations like going to far off places, meeting strangers, getting intoxicated for a change or for ‘fun’ where some things might happen that you will regret for life later.
• Make sure you have an emergency plan in place in case your friend becomes forceful or violent. The “It won’t happen to me,” plan is not good enough.

Marriages >> Planning to Marry

If you are planning to marry

The concept of marriages has changed. And, not just for men. As a woman, ideally, your life partner should be someone with whom you can share interests and who will encourage your independence. As with any relationship, friendship is the key. Good communication from the beginning will help ensure that yours is a lasting, loving partnership.

Now take a look at how to go about looking for these characteristics in the context of marriage.

What are you looking for?

The first thing to keep in mind is to make a list (at least mentally) of attributes you would want in your life partner, so you can focus better on your search. Depending upon your preferences, some factors that might be taken into consideration (not necessarily in this order) are -job, salary, educational qualifications, appearance (looks, height, weight, etc.), caste, horoscope, values (traditional, liberal or moderate), habits (drinking, smoking, etc.), location, family background, social standing, etc.

Inform your parents

It’s best to spell out any preferences beforehand, so your parents can search accordingly and the list can be narrowed down. This way, you will save your parents’ time as well.

Meeting your ‘could-be’

Deciding to marry someone is one of the most important decisions of your life. If you are confused, unsure or awkward, don’t fret — so is the other person. Just a few things you can keep in mind when you meet your could-be significant other:

Do’s

Wear something that is both flattering and comfortable. Try meeting away from relatives. Choose a neutral venue like a café, shopping mall etc.

Don’ts

Don’t approach the meeting with the mindset that you have to marry this person. Don’t think you’ll be sure to hate him either.

Before, during, and after

Before meeting, try getting in touch with the person over the phone or through e-mail to prepare you, to some extent, for what to expect. During the meeting, keep an open mindset. Relax and just be yourself. Don’t hesitate to discuss important issues. Afterwards, think calmly and give yourself time to assess. Although this meeting may not indicate if this is ‘the’ person you should marry, it can certainly tell you whether you want to get to know the person better and take a step forward.

If, at any time during the meeting, you realize it won’t work, keep your cool, be polite, and try to keep it as short as possible. Trusting your gut feeling is the most important — if you feel something is not right, it probably is not.

Ask away!

It’s perfectly okay to ask any questions you have in mind. But remember, timing is the key. For example, it can be outright insulting and offensive if the very first question is ‘How much do you earn, both net and gross?’

Sometimes, information is not offered voluntarily and one hesitates to ask. But, if the answer to a question is important in taking matters further, there is no harm in asking. Maybe the person you ask will feel offended. But, when you are taking such an important decision, you have to take that risk. Isn’t it better that they feel bad now, rather than you feeling worse later?

Important questions that to be asked once you get familiar

• Are you ready for marriage?
• How would you describe yourself?
• How do you like to spend your free time?
• How do you feel about smoking and/or drinking?
• What are you looking for in a spouse?
• How much time do you want to decide?
• What are your preferences, in terms of food (non-vegetarian or vegetarian)?
• How do you feel about pets?
• What is your family like?
• What do they feel about dowry? Zahej?
• What are your likes and dislikes?
• How do you act when you get upset?
• How often will we visit our extended family (if staying apart from parents or close relatives)?
• Do you believe in sharing housework?
• How do you handle the money?
• How about having children, naming them, their religion.

Appropriate questions on the profession front

• What are your future career plans?
• How much time do you spend at work?
• Are you looking for a working wife, housewife, or is it immaterial to you?
• What would we do in the situation that I get transferred?

Before You say YES

Follow the checklist given below

Background research

Although researching the boy’s background might seem painstaking, it is very important.

The difficulty of researching goes up a notch when the boy is abroad, especially if you don’t have any friends/relatives to help you out there. This was the case with one girl, who married an NRI in the US only to discover, when she got there, that he had a live-in American girlfriend.

• Make discreet inquiries outside with the help of relatives and friends, with respect to his job, family background, age, education, habits, financial condition, medical history, lifestyle, etc.
• You can get an employer verification to find out if he is working there or not.
• Definitely check the visa status.
• You may also ask for a proof of employment letter, request a medical test, etc.
• Try calling discreetly at an odd hour to see who picks up the phone at night.
• You can hire a detective to do a background check (this is expensive, however).
• If you have friends and family abroad, ask them to meet him and find out more.
• Additionally, communicate regularly through email, phone, chat, etc. to get a better idea about the person.

Previous relationships

These days, it is not uncommon at all to have had a previous relationship. It depends on many factors like the type of relationship, duration, feelings, etc. As long as it is a thing of the past and he is now committed to his marriage, one should not mind.

However, finding out about a potential partner’s previous sexual history is next to impossible. Asking such personal questions will seem too embarrassing. Indian marriages involve the whole family and private information coming out in the open could have severe repercussions, so some may not openly disclose this aspect.

A medical checkup?

Both partners getting a blood test specially for HIV is absolutely a MUST. If the boy’s side feels offended, help by telling them that you are convinced about getting it done yourself too. One should also check up for a history of hereditary disease in his/her family? Does he/she suffer from an illness that requires constant medical attention? Actually, it is difficult for the girl or the girl’s side to ask this, but isn’t it better to be safe than sorry.

There are cases where, out of hesitation, marriages have taken place without such insistence, based solely on the goodwill of the family. The boys have been discovered to be HIV-positive later.

Is he the one?

Finally, there should be mutual consent and understanding from both sides; only then can a marriage be sustained. It is important that you like your prospective partner enough to marry him. Good arranged marriages occur when the parents support and help their children find life partners.

SAY NO

• If he hesitates to reveal all the essential personal information to you in spite of your enquiry.
• If he is showing inexplicable hurry and a kind of now or never type of attitude
• If he demands dowry.
• If he leaves the decision of dowry/zahez to the ‘elders’.
• If he / his parents want your share of inherited property to be transferred in his name.
• If he keeps questioning you about the family or friends?

Marriages >> NRI Marriages

Before leaving the country be prepared with the following tips

Get photo copies of important documents like

• Passport
• Visa
• Birth certificate
• Medical records0.
• Vaccination records
• His divorce order (if he was already married)
• His naturalization certificate
• Any official papers that he has sent you including visiting cards, letter from his employer.
• Get copies of personal documents
• Photographs of any engagement ceremony
• Photographs of both of you together
• His photographs
• Correspondence between you both
• Telephone bills showing your calls to him
• At this juncture, it is important that you be careful about what you write to him in your mails. Do not reveal too many personal details or anything else that can be used as evidence against you later, if he has a twisted mind.
• Get copies of all financial transactions
• Receipts of materials spent on the alliance
• Receipt of the visa fee
• Receipt of phone calls
• Receipt of purchase of air tickets
• Remember nothing is unimportant.

Marriages >> Choosing Partner Online

Now a days to have easier methods of getting married, young generation register themselves on various matrimonial sites. These sites enable to find match to the needy people. It also saves the time from going one place to another. But before registering onto these matrimonial sites always check credentials of the site. We tell you how;

Get photo copies of important documents like

• Don’t be in a hurry to get married to the subject person you meet on line. It is important to wait because time will tell the truth
• For choosing partner from the matrimonial site first it is important to find out that whether that site is registered or not
• How many people are aware of that site? That can be done through by asking people or friends
• If there is any perfect match then find out that whether the registration is done by right person or not. It is not fraud
• Then look for the place of living, religion and education qualification.
• To find out the qualification it is important to check the certificates. Sometimes wrong qualification or job description is given. It is done to attract the looker.
• For job description find out the place and period of working. It can be done by giving call or visiting the office by surprise. If it is nearby then spend some time to find out that whether that person is working or not. If all things match then call the person over phone. Talking to the person also gives the idea.
• There are a few reputed Detective Agencies that offer pre-marital check for a small fee. This will help to establish the authenticity of the subject person to some extent. It is important you specifically instruct the agent to collect information in respect of the subject person’s Family history (family tree). Its important to hire a reputed, police approved private detective.
• It is a must to visit the subject person at his/her home in the company of his/her parents/ relatives not once but at least a number of times. Invite the subject person over to your family home as well.

If the person is NRI

• In such cases it is difficult to find out the actual person. For that proper research should be done. If it is inter religion, find out the type of culture and living standard. Friends and relatives can be good option for enquiring
• It is also important to check the criminal records and health condition. Otherwise later it can affect adversely
• Number of family members and whether the person is staying at own house or rented
• If they say that they are going to build then find out the area of plot. Locality in which they are living is good or not

Snares & Dangers (Based on experience of some ill-fated victims)

• A matrimonial introduction site capable of authenticating the claims of its members does not exist. (Irrespective of its repute, huge membership or international status
• Beware of some members lying about their past life, marital status, age, height, personality, health, social and economic status. Members could be criminals, HIV infected, bankrupt etc
• A very large number of well educated 40 + women, from good family background, who have been mercilessly dumped by their former spouses with young kids are in dire and desperate need of economical and emotional support are in internet matrimonial introduction sites. Unfortunately, most of these women fall victim to a very high percentage of male members lurking in these matrimonial sites merely for sexual gratification, sexual affair or a one night stand. This is because a person over 40, envisaging a second marriage, makes all moves and takes decision in privacy without any counsel of elders. It is therefore imperative to follow the same rules and every advice given for first marriages. Even so, more caution is required for older people entering into second marriages.
• In the cyber world, the subject person will always be in courtship/dating several prospective matches at any given point in time, not only in India but with members overseas as well. Courtship may involve sexual communication by typing on line, web cam and telephone. There is a real danger for these secret courtships to continue and develop even after the subject matter makes a commitment to marry you and such courtships can continue well after your marriage. It is not easy for any one to know what is going on in the dark portals of the cyber world
• There are gangs operating by putting up the profile of a woman gang member to lure a well to do man into marriage merely to gain the legal status of ‘wife’ then use the legal status as modus operandi to gain criminal access to property and wealth. Alternatively file false case to extort a huge out of court settlement.

Marriages >> Signs of a Cheating Husband

One of the most common ways you can detect if your partner is cheating is by looking out for changes in his day to day routine and behaviour. If your partner is having an affair it is quite likely that he will start acting differently. This is because we all settle into certain routines when things are regular and normal so it is only natural that if something changes in our lives then things get thrown off course and we start doing things differently. These changes in your husband’s routine can be giveaway clues that he’s seeing someone else but can be so easily missed

Have you detected any of the following?

• Has he become short tempered with you or children?
• Does he want to be out more now whereas before he was happy to be at home with you?
• Does he stay awake later a night? This may be so that he can phone, SMS or email ‘her’ once you’ve gone to bed or simply in the hope that you’ll be asleep before he gets into bed.
• Suspicious cell phone behavior – Has he become possessive of his cell phone? Does he keep it close by whenever you’re nearby? Men who cheat use their cell phone to communicate with the other women. Unless they are totally stupid and use their home phone number. Look for him erasing his call logs and messages constantly.
• Does he insist on answering the phone and talks in coded mode if you are around or feels uncomfortable by your presence?
• Has he become more possessive toward his wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase?
• Has he started avoiding you in the home? Doesn’t look into your eyes straight?

• Does he go out for longer and more frequent walks?
• No more arguing – Has he become docile when arguments arise? Men do not like confrontation when they are cheating, they will do whatever it takes to avoid any type of heated confrontation.
• Has he lost interest in things he used to be passionate about, say a particular sport or a particular hobby?

• All of a sudden has he starts talking about getting together with old friends he hasn’t seen in years and about whom he has never spoken of to you?
• Have you noticed him suddenly being more knowledgeable about women’s clothing, perfume or jewelry? If so he could be buying gifts for another woman.
• Has he started to take an interest in something that you know he was never previously bothered about?
• Has he stopped leaving his clothes lying around or started doing any of his own washing, maybe because there are revealing smells or marks on them?
• Has he started encouraging you to go alone to visit parents or friends now a days?
• Has he started attending extended seminars/official/business trips or going on tours he never used to attend and go before with that frequency?
• Did he remember things he had forgotten to do at the office and wants to leave immediately at odd hours?
• Does he forget to wear the wedding ring sometimes?
• Does he make a point of keeping the car/bike free of things belonging to you or the kids?
• Has he has started keeping an overnight bag in his car or office, apparently for a workout?

These signs of a cheating husband appearing now and then may not mean anything in isolation, but if you notice a number of them happening with a pattern, you should take them as a warning signs that there’s probably something wrong going on. You must take corrective steps to save your marriage.

Marriages >> Tips for Healthy Married Life

Marriages >> Affair Proof Relationship

A healthy relationship requires commitment, love and empathy. Love makes you do things that you possibly couldn’t have imagined to do otherwise. There has to be lot of understanding between couple since that is the foundation of your love. Following are a few tips that will help you overcome all the troubles in your life and build healthy relationship.

Be your partner’s best friend

Friendship is the sole basis of a healthy relationship. You and your partner should be best friends in order to keep the love and trust alive in you. There are many things, which a partner cannot possibly solve but a friend can. So try to be your love’s friend as well.

Don’t let problems go unresolved

Don’t keep things to yourself. If you have a problem then it is best if you speak it out and make your partner aware that you are unhappy about a certain thing and that you need to resolve your problems. Don’t think that your partner will come to know what’s going on in your mind and he will understand that you are going through turmoil inside. Don’t make this mistake. Talk with your partner and resolve your problems.

Keep your partner among your top three priorities

You may be a busy person and there might be things that are really important. But don’t forget one thing that nothing can be as important as the person you love. Don’t ever commit the mistake of neglecting your partner because once insecurity and loneliness creeps into the life of your partner, it will be the end of everything.

Make love often

Good sex is an important part of your marriage. It will help you come closer to your partner and help you to understand him/her better. Making love often will keep the passion alive in your relationship, which is very essential factor of a healthy relationship. Weave love, sex, and romance into the fabric of your daily lives and see the difference

Let the infatuation fade, but keep the passion alive

To keep your relationship healthy and affair proof you have to feel passionately about your partner. In a healthy relationship passion and excitement should always be alive. You have to learn to keep the flame of passion alive in the two of you for a long and enduring relationship.

Don’t nag

Nagging is the biggest enemy of happy and healthy relationships. Studies have revealed that men can suffer from hypertension, stress and other psychological problems because of nagging. Nagging can never be the solution to any problem. There are better ways to get your work done and make your par.

Try to spend more time together

By spending more time together you will get to resolve problems between the two of you better. All that your relationship requires is togetherness and comfort from one another. Try to be together and spend quality time on weekends. Go for picnics or watch a movie together once in a while. Take your partner out for dinner at least twice a month. Once in a year you should go on a vacation.

Make some sacrifices but don’t martyr yourself for his/her sake

Last but not the least a healthy relationship demands sacrifice to a certain level. Relationships are based on sacrifice and compromise by both the partners.

Marriages >> Marital Problem Stress

Are you suffering from stress? Is stress affecting your relationship? You might find it difficult to answer there questions because sometimes stress affects your relationship so bad that you don’t even come to know of it until its too late. Sometimes stress affects you so bad that though you feel that your actions (like snapping at your partner, shouting at your kid, not being able to take interest in household activity etc) are justified, you do not realize that these actions will harm your relationship.

Many people like solitude when they are feeling stressed. You might feel that you need this space but your partner could easily take this separation as a lack of desire to be around him. This can lead to problems in your relationship and if not handled this situation properly, stress can lead a much serious tragedy. Therefore you need to identify the problem affecting you and not let stress affect your relationship. Make sure you’re keeping your emotions in check with these tips.

Control your temper

If you’re feeling like you’re being a little more negative than usual and you are snapping at people without genuine reason, then its stress that’s making you do so. During such a time its better that you do not do or say anything harsh. The last thing you want to do is make your partner feel like you don’t enjoy being around him or that your feelings are dwindling. It may be too late to take back something you’ve said, but you can at least stop to explain why it happened.

Learn to balance your loads.

Make sure you’re spending appropriate time on each area of your life. Don’t spend all your time at work, and don’t load up all your free time with activities. You should learn to balance work and family. Both need your undivided attention. So do justice to both. If someone asks if you are available to do something, never plan something that will interfere with your previously scheduled dates.

Give time to your spouse and family.

Remember in order to have a healthy relationship it is very important that you regularly spend sometime together with your partner privately. Go on a picnic or to a movie or a quite dinner together and this routine should never stop. If you have children, you should also add days for spending time just with your children. If you are a very busy person then coordinate dates with your partner so your schedule doesn’t conflict. Make it a priority to spend at least two days a month with your partner outside, away from your daily life, doing something.

Don’t worry, be happy.

In the bigger scheme of things it doesn’t matter the things you’ve accomplished, but rather how you felt while accomplishing them. It doesn’t matter if you’ve made it to the top of your company if you don’t enjoy life. When you feel the ebbs of stress creeping up your neck, just take a deep breath and relax. Think of all the good things around you and all the love that your family has showered on you and this will help you overcome all the stress in your life.

Following are a few tips to combat stress

• Proper Nutrition-Eat healthy and your mind and spirits will remain healthy and stress free
• Exercise-Exercise is the best way to let out frustration and stress. Exercise regularly and you will live a stress-free life.
• Sleep-A good night’s sleep is essential to clear your head and combat stress.
• Personal Space-If you feel bitter and angry and you think that this will lead to spoiling your relationship, its better that you take some time out and analyze your problems. Go get a message or meditate for sometime and this way you can take control of the situation and improve your mood.

Marriages >> Alcoholic Husband

Alcoholic Husband

Alcoholism is a universal phenomenon. Down the centuries, numberless women across the globe have been coping with husbands who come home drunk, bash their wives and children and make everyone’s life miserable. However surprisingly most women timidly adjust to their husbands’ ways rather than raising their voices in protest. Maybe they have their own difficulties and ways of dealing with the problem but if your alcoholic husband is abusing you then it is time that you put an end to this evil and fight courageously against this addiction and save you and your family.

Guidelines for Helping Your Alcoholic Husband:

• Acquire proper attitude. It is difficult to help people who sense that you despise them and do not care for them and respect them.
• Alcoholism is an addiction to a drug. Therefore willpower is not enough; proper therapies are needed and consult a proper rehabilitation center or counselor.
• Confront your husband with the fact of the disease, and offer a possible solution. Alcoholics never get well unless given a chance.
• Make your alcoholic husband responsible for his actions. Every time you make excuses for him or shielded him, you have just paid for the next drink.
• Use all the alcoholism resources available. It is a complex illness; it needs a network of people to treat it. Take into confidence some of your husband’s closest friends (non -drinkers) and ask them to persuade your husband to relinquish the bottle. Most men brush aside the appeal of their wives but pay heed to their friends’ advices.
• Never give up hope; never be discouraged. Even if your alcoholic husband does not recover at this time, the seed has been planted. It may bear fruit sometime in the future.
• Alcoholism is a family disease; all family members are affected; all need treatment.
• Do not leave him alone. Always keep supervision on him. Accompany your husband to all parties and gatherings to keep a vigilant eye on him. If he is under supervision he will not to exceed the limits.
• Try to avoid the parties where your husband will be forced to drink by his friends.
• See that your husband’s salary directly comes into your bank account so that he shall not have access to money to spend on drinks.
• Try to find the root cause of the problem. Try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him in order to gauge the root cause of his addiction.
• Once the causes are discovered, ways and means could be devised to solve the related problems.

Domestic Violence >> Domestic Violence

If you are facing Domestic Violence

Within the four walls of homes, the violence against women is quite high. Domestic violence against is widely prevalent, but has remained largely invisible. Statistics reveal that 45% of Indian women are slapped, kicked or beaten by their husbands. (ICRW 2002) .32% had committed acts of violence against their pregnant wives. Every 60 minutes a woman dies in India due to domestic violence. Women accept violence because social norms sanction them. At the same time, cultural conditioning and economic dependence prevent the vast majority of women leaving their marital homes. Though there is criminal law to prevent domestic violence, the recent civil law “Protection of women from Domestic Violence” is aimed at providing relief, compensation and support to a woman.

Your husband or partner commits any of the following acts of violence against you or your child

Verbal and emotional violence

• Insult –not attractive, not smart, doesn’t respect him/his parents
• accusing/insulting your parents
• Name – calling
• Accusations on your character or conduct etc
• Insult for not having a male child
• Insults for not bringing dowry etc
• Preventing you or a child in your custody from attending school, college or any other educational institutions
• Preventing you from taking up a job
• Forcing you to leave your job
• Preventing you or a child in your custody from leaving the house
• Preventing you from meeting any person in the normal course of events.
• Threat to commit suicide

Economic Violence

• Not providing you money for maintaining you or your children
• Not providing food, clothes, medicines etc, for you or your children
• Stopping you from carrying on your employment
• Not allowing you to take up on employment or
• Taking away your income from your salary, wages etc
• Not allowing you to use your salary wages etc
• Forcing you out of the house you live in
• Stopping you from accessing or using any part of the house
• Not allowing use of clothes, articles, or things of general household use,
• Not paying rent if staying in a rented accommodation etc.

Physical violence

• Slapping
• Beating
• Hitting
• Biting
• Kicking
• Punching
• Pushing
• Shoving or
• Causing bodily pain or injury in any other manner

Sexual Violence

• Forced sexual intercourse
• Forced you to look at pornography or any other obscene pictures or material
• Any act of sexual nature to abuse humiliates or degrade you, or which is otherwise violating of your dignity or any other unwelcome conduct or sexual nature

Remember the Govt recently enacted Domestic Violence Act.

Salient features of the DV Act are:

• PWDVA seeks to cover all those women who are or have been in a domestic relationship with a man including live-in relationships, bigamous marriage and fraudulent marriages.
• The Act gives the women right to reside in the shared household.
• Protection orders can be given by the magistrate immediately to stop violence.
• It provides counseling for both parties singly or jointly.
• The act stipulates that within 3 days the case has to be registered and in 60 days all requisite relief measure to be given.

Whom to report domestic violence incident

• Nearest Police station
• Protection officer (Project director women and child welfare department of the Dist) Contact your local protection officer
• Service provider (appointed by the State Government)
• Magistrate

If you don’t have shelter

• Nearest protection office or service provider to provide shelter in a shelter home. List of Shelter homes

For medical facilities

• Nearest protection office or service provider to provide any medical aid

Obtaining orders or relief

• Application to Magistrate
• For payment of compensation or damages
• Right to reside in a shared house hold
• Protection order
• Prohibiting committing any act of domestic violence
• Aiding or abetting
• Entering the place of employment
• Or she is a child its school
• Attempting to communicate in any form including personal, oral , written, electronic or telephonic contact

Domestic Violence >> Victim Rights

You have the following rights

• Assistance of protection officer, service providers or the other in charge of the nearest PS in registering your compliant and filing an application for relief.
• Receive protection for you and your children from act of domestic violence
• Right to measures and orders protecting you against the particular danger or insecurities you or your child are facing.
• To stay in the house and to seek restrain an other person residing in the same house, from interfering with or disturbing peaceful enjoyment of the house and the amenities, facilities therein by you or your children
• To regain possession of your Stridhan, jewellery, clothes of daily use are other household goods .
• To get medical assistance, shelter, counseling any legal aid
• To restrain the person committing domestic violence against you from contacting you or communicating with you in any manner.
• To get compensation any physical or mental injury or any other monetary loss due to domestic violence
• To file complaint or application for relief under the act directly to the court .
• To get the copies of any statements recorded by any authority is connection with domestic violence.
• The assistance of protection officer or the police to rescue you from any danger.

Important Phone Numbers

Control Room      02025657171, 02025671962

Women’s Grievances Redressal Cell    020-25666064